Author: Linda Ferguson

Well how did you do last week listening for people’s feelings and needs? Have you noticed when you’ve carried someone’s stone that wasn’t yours to carry?

The final part of this blog series is Empathy- How do we authentically and honestly express Empathy for others as they are dealing with problems and struggles?

In my classes on Communication and Emotional Intelligence, I have my participants examine the difference between Empathy vs. Sympathy. It’s an important distinction when it comes to hearing your co-workers’ problems.

Empathy is about understanding their problems. As you practice listening for feelings and needs, you seek to understand what is going on for them. You are not necessarily trying to fix their problem for them. Empathy does not mean to share their feelings with them, only that you understand what their feelings are. You don’t have to agree with their feelings. This is important. Empathy is not about agreeing with or liking how the other person feels. It’s about staying present to their feelings in an open and understanding way when they are sharing those feelings or expressing them.

Sympathy means to feel the same feelings as another person. You share their feelings. If they are hurt or upset, you are hurt or upset. Sympathy can be tricky if you want to show that you care about someone. Often people will try to suck you into their pity party. They want you to agree with them about how awful a situation is.

You may genuinely feel how they feel about a situation. Empathy is often described as walking in another person’s shoes. With this view of empathy we might feel how they feel. If so, honor that. Just pay attention. It may be that your co-worker is trying to bait you into having an ally in their pain. You can decide if you want to go there with them!

Sympathy may drag you into their emotional problems and lead to you joining them feeling crummy. You can play the “aint-it-awful game” with them if you want. Just know you will start carrying some heavy stones that way.

When you want to refrain from taking on another’s problem, yet listen empathically as they vent, Marshall Rosenberg suggests asking a question “What’s alive in you right now in this situation”? This question often directs attention to someone’s own feelings rather than on what another person is doing to them. I’ve also found this question helpful for myself when I’ve felt upset about something. Asking ‘What’s Alive in me?’, helps me to get more clear on what I am feeling and needing in a troubling situation. From there I can take steps to meet those needs in a caring and understanding way.

See how you can be present to someone who is struggling this week. Notice if you feel an obligation to share those same feelings as your co-worker. Feel what it feels like for you to simply listen to understand what your co-worker is going through. Show up in a caring authentic way with them and allow them to express their feelings without trying to fix, fade, or share their feelings.

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For more resources, see our Library topic Spirituality in the Workplace.

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Linda is an author, speaker, coach, and consultant. Go to her website www.lindajferguson.com to read more about her work, view video clips of her talks, and find out more about her book “Path for Greatness: Spirituality at Work” available on Amazon.

My last blog was about not carrying someone’s stone – that is, pay attention to when you step in and fix someone else’s problem that is not yours to fix. I suggested instead for you to take some time to discern what is yours to do vs. not. Perhaps some of you had a hard time with that this week, maybe others of you caught yourself and were able to let the stone lay where it needed.

This week I want to write about how you can connect with someone who’s in the midst of a struggle in an authentic way of caring, yet not do their work for them. Marshall Rosenberg’s work called Non-Violent Communication (NVC) has led to a significant shift in how I view the world and has led me to be more conscious of my words and actions with others. I’d like to share, in a very short way, his four steps for compassionate connection with others.

The four part process involves Observing without judging what is happening as being either good or bad. Practicing observation without evaluation or judgment starts you on the road to being present to what is happening, to describing events without claiming rightness or wrongness.

The second step is identifying the Feelings you or the other has in a situation, again without diagnosing or evaluating. Paying attention to the feelings that are emerging will help your co-worker bring awareness to themselves rather than focusing on the actions someone else did that may be causing the problem or hardship.

The third step is identifying the underlying Needs that are not being met in the situation. Rosenberg suggests that our feelings often direct us to what our needs are, like a ‘check engine’ light in your car. Having your co-worker connect with their feelings allows them to get in touch with their underlying needs. Rosenberg says there are basic universal needs people from all cultures have. These needs are what make us human, such as respect, autonomy, harmony, love.

The final step is to make a Request of another to help meet the unmet needs in that situation. After listening to your co-worker’s feelings and getting clear on their need, you could ask ‘What would help you meet your unmet need’? This focuses on effective strategies that will meet needs rather than continue the blame game your co-worker may be playing.

Rather than blaming, criticizing, guilt-tripping or condemning, NVC offers a four part process for communicating (Observation, Feelings, Needs and Requests – OFNR) that focuses on identifying what is honestly going on and then communicating from that place of authenticity and openness. I have found this has greatly enriched my relationships at work and home.

1. Observe non-judgmentally what happens in work situations

2. Listen authentically for your own and another’s feelings

3. Discern what you or another’s needs are

4. Identify strategies that can help you or another meet their needs.

Rosenberg’s book “Non-Violent Communication: A Language of Life” explains this four part approach in greater detail. I’ve enjoyed and learned a fair bit as well from Rosenberg’s DVDs, which capture his humor and depth. If these ideas resonate with you, I encourage you to explore these resources further.

I invite you to focus on what you are feeling and needing in a challenging or troubling situation sometime this week. See if you can get clear on your feelings and needs and explore a strategy that will help you connect with your true nature of caring, loving, giving, and receiving.

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For more resources, see our Library topic Spirituality in the Workplace.

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Linda is an author, speaker, coach, and consultant. Go to her website www.lindajferguson.com to read more about her work, view video clips of her talks, and find out more about her book “Path for Greatness: Spirituality at Work” available on Amazon.

I’m going to write a 3 part series on carrying the weight of problems at work. In this first part I’m going to address how to be a “witness” of someone’s problem and be aware of how often you carry someone else’s stone.

Many people get into the jobs they do because they like to solve problems, fix things, and help people. Certainly our workplaces run smoothly when we support one another. Yet many people believe that the way to support a co-worker or ‘help’ them is to solve their problem. Sometimes the best way to support a co-worker is to simply listen attentively and witness their struggle. In the Buddhist tradition this is referred to as practicing compassionate understanding. In the co-dependent movement this is called paying attention to what’s yours to do vs. not yours to do.

So what do you do when a co-worker comes to you with a problem? The first and central question to ask is – who’s problem is it? Is this mine to do or not? That can sometimes be the hardest issue to discern. One reason I like a coaching and empowerment approach, whether you are a supervisor or not, is that it focuses the problems on those whose responsibility it is to resolve. In other words- whose stone is it to carry?

Think back on a time when you’ve taken someone’s problem from them and you carried it instead? Do that with several colleagues and you’re now carrying a bagful of stones. Do you want to carry around that much weight?

So the first part of examining when you carry stones is to be aware of when you take on other people’s problems and fix it for them. This week notice how often someone comes to you to fix their problem. Simply notice the situations and practice discerning whether you need to take on their problem. No need to criticize yourself when you pick up another’s stone that they could handle, simply be aware when that happens. Guilt or shame are only more stones to carry that you don’t need to add to your bag.

If you find yourself in a situation to hear another’s struggle, and you can see that it’s not your problem to solve, practice being a witness to their struggle. Notice how you feel being witness to another’s pain. Do you feel uncomfortable when someone else is in pain or struggling? Sometimes the temptation is to fix another’s problem because we feel uncomfortable with their pain or turmoil. In other situations, we can get a big ego boost when we save the day for another. I invite you to pay attention to how you feel as a problem solver and helper. This week be aware of how it feels to witness another’s struggle that is not yours to fix. Practice letting the stone sit where it is without carrying it for others.

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For more resources, see our Library topic Spirituality in the Workplace.

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Linda is an author, speaker, coach, and consultant. Go to her website www.lindajferguson.com to read more about her work, view video clips of her talks, and find out more about her book “Path for Greatness: Spirituality at Work” available on Amazon.

There are plenty of things to worry us, just turn on the TV or radio news. During times of uncertainly or stressful work conditions, it’s easy to get overwhelmed and forget who you are as a spiritual being. You may be asking, ‘OK, how do I feel happiness when I have deadlines in front of me or we are buried in work?’ I suggest you look at what you are bringing to the table. Look at how you are demonstrating happiness at work. When you bring your Light to work, you light up the workplace around you.

Think of three things you can do this week to bring your Light to work. Maybe it’s something small like smiling when you see a co-worker who’s stressed, maybe it’s offering to help someone on a project they are working on. Maybe you need to stretch yourself somehow to show you care about someone at work. Look around your workplace and be intentional this week to do some small act of kindness. You’ll feel better by doing it. Then when you catch yourself upset about something, choose happiness. Ask yourself, how can I choose happiness (joy, love, peace) over this? Caroline Myss reminds us, “Happiness is an inside job”.

Next time you go into a meeting, pay attention to whether you are worried or looking for good things to happen. You solicit more ideas and information when you believe someone has something positive to contribute. The Self-fulfilling Prophecy is powerful- what you expect is usually what you receive.

Think of a time recently when you responded to someone’s questions and ideas- was it with a sense of caring and understanding or was it with a sense of tension and fear? I’m guessing you are more open to hearing people’s ideas and seeing new possibilities when you are in a positive frame of mind than when you are worried, grumpy, or frustrated. You’re far more likely to get someone to help you out or focus on your needs when you are open and supportive of them.

Positive Psychology is the scientific study of the strengths and virtues that enable individuals and communities to thrive. It has three central concerns: positive emotions, positive individual traits, and positive institutions. Martin Seligman, considered the founder of Positive Psychology, has written extensively on Authentic Happiness as a way to feel more satisfied, to be more engaged with life, find more meaning, have higher hopes, and probably even laugh and smile more, regardless of one’s circumstances. What helps you be authentically happy?

I’ll end with this quote “ Happiness is best kept when given away”. When do you give away your happiness? Let us know what happens when you do. Enjoy the journey!

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For more resources, see our Library topic Spirituality in the Workplace.

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Linda is an author, speaker, coach, and consultant. Go to her website www.lindajferguson.com to read more about her work, view video clips of her talks, and find out more about her book “Path for Greatness: Spirituality at Work” available on Amazon.

I recently provided a training on Supervising Millenials. We discussed whether in our digitally driven life we are becoming more attention deficit that in previous eras. There are so many opportunities to be distracted- such as reading interesting blogs! If you feel you must answer that email, text or IM immediately, you may want to examine how cluttered your life and/or your brain is.

Huge chunks of time are wasted over the course of a day by switching from one task to the next. It takes mental energy, and time, moving from one activity to the next. I’ve read it takes anywhere from 15 seconds to 2 minutes to regain your thoughts after an interruption. Pay attention to how much time you may be wasting switching back and forth between tasks. You can take control of your time and your energy by uncluttering your life. In many cases you can decide whether to let the phone ring into voice mail. Same goes for answering an email message or IM. Regardless of your generation, Millenial or otherwise, the essential point is that YOU CHOOSE what you focus on.

What brings you peace? Have you been able to still your mind? Do you want to?

A few bold companies are claiming one day a week where people cannot answer emails (and presumably can’t IM or text). That day is spent in conversation, reflection, planning etc. It’s time out that can create opportunities for new ideas to emerge, relationships to strengthen, or general rejuvenation and renewal for the brain. There’s research that suggests that our greatest breakthroughs or “Aha’s” happen when our brains are in slower brain waves, such as when we are just waking up or in the shower in the morning.

Here are some simple suggestions for finding some peace and stillness in the midst of your work day:

1. Let the phone ring into voice mail and bless the person who is calling you. Know that you can call them back when your mind is more clear and focused.
2. If you must answer the phone, let it ring one extra time and take a deep breath before picking up the phone. Allow yourself a little space to bring your awareness on your breath.
3. Turn off your IM and email alerts if your job permits. Choose when and how regularly you will check emails or IMs.
4. Every time you sit back down in your chair, focus on your feet touching the floor. Feel your back in the chair. Focus on how your body is feeling in that moment. No judgments, just notice.
5. Stretch your arms and legs and take a deep breath at least once an hour. Allow your body to relax even for 10 seconds.
6. As you walk to a meeting or out the door, snap your fingers to bring your awareness into the present moment.
7. Allow yourself a few extra minutes to get to where you are going and make it a walking meditation. Intentionally slow down your pace. Breath 3 deep breathes before you enter the room.

Quietness by Rumi

Become the sky.

Take an axe to the prison wall.

Escape.

Walk out like somebody suddenly born into color.

Do it now.

You are covered with the thick cloud.

Slide out the side. Die,

and be quiet. Quietness is the surest sign

that you have died.

Your old life was a frantic running

from silence.

The speechless full moon

comes out now.

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For more resources, see our Library topic Spirituality in the Workplace.

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Linda is an author, speaker, coach, and consultant. Go to her website www.lindajferguson.com to read more about her work, view video clips of her talks, and find out more about her book “Path for Greatness: Spirituality at Work” available on Amazon.

I’d like to continue the theme from Janae’s post last week on gratitude, to explore more applications at work and highlight three ways it works.

Focusing on What you Have

For starters, gratitude gets your minds off of all the things that worry you, annoy you, or challenge you. Instead, when you focus your attention on all that you have in your life, you channel your focus on all the ways you are blessed and supported.

I’ve done meditations where I listed all the things that work in my house – that keep me comfortable and cozy- water for my shower, electricity, my warm bed, plumbing and pipes that work, my refrigerator that keeps my food cold and fresh, toothpaste so my teeth feel clean. You get the idea. You could do a 30 minute meditation on gratitude for everything in your house from the smallest light switch to your AC system. And while you do it, send prayers for all those on our planet who do not have that item or comfort in their home. By the time you get to work after doing a meditation like this, you’ll know you have many things that fill your life with goodness and comfort.

You get to choose how you want to see things. You can focus on what you lack or you can focus on what you have. You will almost certainly feel better focusing on what you have than what you lack.

You can be pissed off that you didn’t get the report you needed or you can’t find the tool you need, or you can choose to focus on what you were able to finish and how grateful you are for the people who help you with your work.

Supporting What You Have with more Energy

The second reason gratitude works is that when we focus our attention on something, we feed it energy. Or to put another way, what you give away you receive back (some would say you get back 3 fold what you give away).

So you can either feed the thought – ‘I don’t have enough; I don’t have what I need” or feed the thought ‘I am bountifully supported; All that I need is available to me’. As I was appreciating a beautiful day last week, a guy who I had been meaning to call across town happened to stop by my office and give me exactly what I was looking for. How cool is that?

Receiving Joyfully

The last part of gratitude is that when we practice living and working in gratitude, we learn to receive with joy. How open are you to receiving? Can you receive joyfully? Can you accept goodness in your life? Or do you push away offers for help, people offering to pay for your lunch etc.? Pay attention to how you are blocking the flow of energy and support vs. receiving gifts and support from others – in large or small ways.

As you practice receiving in joy, you recognize the abudant flow in your life. From that place of abundance, you draw in more abundance – of helpful people, of small acts of kindness, of physical things appearing in your life- rather than shutting them out.

When you focus on gratitude, you shift your energy – physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

What have you seen happen in your life when you receive joyfully or express gratitude for what you have?

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For more resources, see our Library topic Spirituality in the Workplace.

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Linda is an author, speaker, coach, and consultant. Go to her website www.lindajferguson.com to read more about her work, view video clips of her talks, and find out more about her book “Path for Greatness: Spirituality at Work” available on Amazon.

You may have experienced toxic people in your work and aren’t sure how to deal with it. A coaching colleague of mine, Pat Farrell, works in this realm with nurses. I’ve known Pat for several years since we share a mission to support people working and living with passion and purpose. This week, I want to feature a newsletter article Pat wrote about her work with nurses and ‘lateral violence’ . Her ideas below apply to any one who experiences intimidation or bullying behaviors at work.

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I’ll bet you’ve heard “It’s just the way he is” or “Oh don’t mind her, she’s like that.” Lateral violence in the workplace is a term that may not be familiar to us but we know it when we see and feel it. Embarrassing. Belittling. Verbally abusive language. Gossip. Condescending speech. Familiar to anyone? Why do we let it go on? Why is this ok for us?

It takes courage to confront. Anger is not courageous. Ignoring bad behavior is not courageous – in fact, it feels just the opposite. The trick to confronting is caring about you and others. You have to care enough about restoring or maintaining a relationship to confront someone who has let you down, embarrassed you or made you the center of a ridicule or cruel joke. Confronting is NOT retaliation. It is not getting even. It’s about speaking the truth in love. Now that takes courage.

There are some simple guidelines to follow that will enable you to restore peace in the home or workplace. Are you speaking the truth in love when you confront a teammate in front of the staff? Your husband in front of his buddies? An essential rule of caring enough to confront is to speak to someone in private. Want to drive someone to anger or “silent violence”? Confront them in front of their colleagues, it works every time.

Are you concerned about preserving a relationship when you confront someone in the height of anger? You can’t confront any situation if you’re mad. Almost 3000 years ago, Solomon taught us “A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly”. (Proverbs 14:29) No wiser words. Wait. Take the time to regain your composure so that you can better understand a situation. Remember the objective is a peaceful environment and two angry people shouting in public can never accomplish this goal. (And sneering and glaring at each other will only escalate the problem.)

Be sure that when you are courageous and decide to care enough to confront – it’s for all the right reasons. Care enough about yourself, the other person, and your home or work to create a healing environment.

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For more resources, see our Library topic Spirituality in the Workplace.

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Pat Farrell is a nurse and a life coach. With 37 years of experience in a variety of healthcare settings, she brings a personal understanding to the efforts of improving HCAHPS scores and ending lateral violence within the nursing profession. Pat’s mission is, ” to help others find their path – their purpose – their mission. To have meaningful work brings an indescribable sense of peace and purpose.” pat@patfarrellcoach.com

I want to follow up Janae’s posting on employee engagement with this quote from a colleague Dr. Joan Marques, Founder/President at Academy for Spirituality and Professional Excellence (ASPEX). “There’s a difference between apathy and acceptance. Apathy lets you endure life. Acceptance helps you enjoy it.”

How many times have you seen co-workers drudge through their day just trying to get to 5:00 or the weekend? The idea of engagement that Janae wrote about includes having energy to do your work and feeling a sense of joy or passion for what you do. Sometimes that’s hard to muster when you have a lot of little ankle-biter tasks stacking your desk. It’s easy on those days to just keep your head low and plow through your stack until you see some light of day.

Whether you face your mundane tasks with a sense of apathy or acceptance is yours to decide. As I wrote a couple weeks ago, Choose Your Attitude. Feeling apathetic about your work, as if you are slugging through mud, can actually be draining, emotionally and mentally. Rather than fighting, struggling or dreading what’s on your desk, find ways that you can shift perspective and remain open to what the Universe is asking of you at this time. Perhaps you can even invite with joy and anticipation something fun to come from it – a new opportunity, learning, or connection to others while doing your tasks.

Acceptance means welcoming, greeting, what is yours to do. Acceptance is embracing what is yours to do with as much spirit of service and contribution to a greater good that you can feel. You have to get the task done anyway, why not find something enjoyable in doing it!

Here’s a related story I heard some years ago. One day a group of mountain climbers were working their way up a steep cliff. One of the climbers lost his grip and slid down the side until he caught hold of a small outcrop of rock. In the rock slide his left eye contact fell out and he felt a bit dizzy and disorientated only able to see clearly from one eye.

His buddies below called up to him to hold tight until one of them could climb up to bring him down. The climber called down that he lost his contact and could they look for it below to bring up when they came to get him. Otherwise, he’d have a hard time making his way back down.

His friends frantically scoured the ground below thinking it was probably futile looking for the contact. Even if they did find it most likely it would be broken or scratched and useless to their friend. To their surprise after 10 mins. of looking, one friend saw a small bright gleam of light and bent down to see the contact laying on an ant. He grabbed the contact, wrapped it up and put it in his pocket to go get his friend.

Meanwhile, the little ant was relieved to have the giant piece of glass taken from its back. The ant was almost baked in the heat of the sun through the glass. After the man took the contact off his back the little ant cried, ‘Lord, I don’t know what you put on my back or why you had me carry it across these rocks, but I’m glad I could serve you in this way today’

You never know the meaning or purpose of the load you carry. I invite you to accept what is yours to do with the humility and grace of the ant, knowing that there may be a purpose to your small daily tasks much bigger than you can see.

Feel free to share here any stories that you’ve heard or experiences you’ve had where you’ve been able to accept something that was yours to do or where you shifted from being apathetic to finding meaning in what you were doing.

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For more resources, see our Library topic Spirituality in the Workplace.

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Linda J. Ferguson is a job coach, inspiring speaker and author – www.lindajferguson.com

This is taken from my forth-coming book “Staying Grounded in Shifting Sand”

On an early morning walk in the Royal Chitwan National Park in Nepal, our group came across a couple of rhinos bathing in a small pool. Our guide told us to lay low since the rhino will charge if it senses danger. Our guide also explained that rhinos have very poor eyesight, and so if it sees something move, it will charge regardless of what the animal is. Rhinos have even attacked jeeps. Our guide seemed to take delight in calling to the rhinos to get their attention and then had us back off when the rhinos looked around or moved. The rhino is a good metaphor for those who are living their lives without a fully awakened mind. Many people sense danger and attack, even if they don’t fully understand what they are attacking. And because they can’t see clearly, they feel in a state of anxiety or danger most of the time. You may know such people. They could be co-workers, neighbors, community leaders, friends or family members.

When stressed we react out of instinct or deeply learned patterns. We react without thinking through what may be happening, or as the rhino, without seeing what’s really going on. Luckily we humans can stop from instinctive, knee jerk reactions. We can reflect on the situation and see it from various viewpoints. Staying open and aware you needn’t simply react. You can choose how you respond. You can attack or flee or you can negotiate, cajole, charm, or surrender. As we move from childhood to adulthood we learn to see situations beyond what is immediately happening and to consider various options for dealing with life events.

It is too easy to get beaten down by the daily tasks in our lives, to let our small self, our ego, our fears run the show. The question is- what game do you want to play? Do you want to play the game of life that feeds that small ego-self or do you want to play the game that expands yourself. The bigger game involves seeing where your growing edge is, moving beyond your comfort zone, and be willing to stay there long enough to learn the lesson required and find more solid ground. This is a game that lets you tap into power much larger than your small self and achieve possibilities beyond your wildest dreams.

The spiritual way to move through your work day is to play the game of the awakened mind- one where you see your physical, material world unfold and also see the events metaphorically or metaphysically as the opportunities to grow, learn and experience joy. The object of the spiritual game at work is to learn to forgive more, offer compassion at every opportunity, be joyful, and find peace in any given moment.

“Be kind whenever possible. It’s always possible.” Dalai Lama

www.lindajferguson.com

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For more resources, see our Library topic Spirituality in the Workplace.

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How many of you work in a CYA environment? I’m guessing many of you are nodding yes. Well – it all depends on perspective. What if CYA didn’t mean ‘Cover Your Ass’ but rather ‘Choose Your Attitude’. How different would your workplace be if people really got it that they alone are responsible for how their day goes. Everyone gets a chance to choose their attitude from the minute they walk into work, to the staff meetings they sit through, to the way they talk to their co-workers. Here’s a little insider information – You create your world from the inside out. Choosing your attitude is the first step.

What do I mean by creating your world from the inside out? Your attitudes, beliefs, thoughts, judgments shape your words and deeds. When you truly understand you have the power to choose your attitudes (and I’m including here your beliefs, thoughts, judgments), you are the master of your world*. Your inner dialogue shapes how your outer world unfolds. When was the last time someone pushed a hot button of yours? Guess what – you can’t determine what others do, but you can determine how your respond. Choosing your attitude is an empowering approach to your work. You control your mental and emotional state, rather than giving your control away to someone else.

There are only two responses you can give in any moment– acts of love or acts of fear. Cover Your Ass is a fear-based response. Choose Your Attitude helps you remember you can choose a loving response instead.

We always get a chance to choose our attitude, in the small and large ways. Pay attention to how you respond to things this week. Do you respond from a place of love or fear? Affirm that you are able to respond with loving kindness to others, no matter what they do. You’ll move more easefully through your day if you do.

Here’s an affirmation to help you this week:

I know I am whole, balanced and supported by staying true to my Source of Love. I know that everyone is doing the best they can in any moment. Let me enhance this moment with my compassionate understanding and loving kindness. I will stay true to my inner knowing that I am Love regardless of what goes on around me. As such I will choose the most loving thought, word or deed I can offer in the moment.

* My second book,” Staying Grounded in Shifting Sand”, shares more information about Personal Mastery. To see the 1st chapter and a video overview of the book, go to- http://www.NextTopAuthor.com/?aid=2089 If you feel so moved, please vote for me as the Next Top Author before 11:59 pm tomorrow (Mon. June 28).

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For more resources, see our Library topic Spirituality in the Workplace.

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